(To read Part I of this post, visit Adoptees Ask at The Door Opener Magazine Online)
To become unstuck we must do the deep inner work of healing the part of ourselves who believes we were bad or that we did something wrong. My friend, you did nothing that made her not love you. The tragedy is there is nothing you could do to make her love you, either. Healing the vulnerable part of the psyche that is struggling to deal with these realities requires intention, time, patience and love. And a deep, restorative and loving attachment to yourself, usually aided by the presence of a compassionate, loving other.
Given the pain that underlies the feeling of stuck I encourage you to try not to dismiss your attachment to your birth mother as “stupid”. Please attempt to honor and understand this part of yourself, even as you feel frustrated by being unable to let go.
This is not cognitive work. While your mind believes, nay KNOWS, that you do not need her love, there is another part of you deep inside that does not know this yet. This part must be sought by you, met in all its messy, disorganized pain, and integrated into the rest of your psyche with the deepest compassion. You must befriend this part of yourself with love, and a trusted guide. When you become trustworthy to your vulnerable self, this part will attach to you, the one person in this world who will never leave.
I am describing the healing accomplished in deep psychotherapy, some spiritual processes, and even some loving and aware adult relationships. It is incremental, but possible, work. To the extent you can say fully, truthfully and with an open heart, “I love myself”, the stuck place will slowly ease, and hold you back less and less.
Namaste. (My soul acknowledges yours.)
Photo credit: Kate Ter Haar via Flckr
My Other Writings On Adoption
- Adoptees And Silent Realities
- When Your Birth Mother Says “No”
- Adult Adoptees: Your Right To Know
- Adoptees’ Greatest Struggles
- Do You Counsel (or Know) Any Adoptees?
- When Do You Tell Your Secret?
- Part II – What You Don’t Know CAN Hurt You: The Beautiful Truth in Father Unknown by filmmaker David Quint
- Part II – “Why Doesn’t She Love Me?”
- Part II – How Could They Have Kept The Fact I Am Adopted From Me? How can I ever trust them, or myself, again?
- Kung Fu (Adoptee!) Panda 3 Movie Review – Part I
- Kung Fu (Adoptee!) Panda 3 Movie Review – Parts II, III and IV (Conclusion)
- Are You An Adoptee With A Question?
- More On A Birth Father’s Right To Know…